CAM Testimonials: Charles' Story
My name is Charles and I am an addict. Today I am living sober and my
life has changed for the better. I was once hopeless and had no idea what
to do with myself. Drugs had taken me over, but I wasn't exactly sure that
was my problem. I thought I was crazy.
As kid I drank alcohol and got into trouble. I have had many underage
consumptions, many disorderly conduct, and criminal damaging charges. I
have wrecked my mother's car, destroyed her home, and many other "damaging
deeds" I was not proud of.
The courts had sent me to Crisis Care to be evaluated. The courts thought
I might have an alcohol problem. I was not ready to be honest with myself
or anyone else. I lied on every question they asked me. If I told the truth
I thought Crisis Care would have me locked away for sure. Besides, everyone
I knew acted the same way that I did. I looked up to people who drank and
did drugs. Crisis Care only sent me to drug education classes. I don't
remember much about the classes. I did decide to cut back my drinking,
eventually. Drinking definitely made me crazy, but that just meant that
I had to find another way of getting high. I didn't know how to cope any
other way. I've used every type of drug, but the one I loved most was painkillers.
With this drug I found my best friend. I found a feeling that I always
wanted to feel. I had many ways of getting my drugs, and I got them everyday.
They made me feel great. I could talk to people more easily, going to work
seemed like less of a burden, and I had many friends. I thought I was happy.
Drugs seemed to help me feel normal. I thought drugs and alcohol helped
me cope with my messed up life. I used drugs and alcohol to help me feel
more comfortable around people. Life's worries and problems seemed to pile
up on me. I didn't care, because I had my drugs and I could feel so good
even when things were so bad. I have two aunts and an uncle who overdosed
on drugs. I didn't understand their addiction. I though it was just the
way they were. I told myself I could never be like them.
The painkillers I was using just weren't working anymore. I moved to different
substances that were more potent. My tolerance kept getting worse. It took
more and more drugs as time passed. If I didn't have my fix I became very
sick. My body had a way of saying, "Get more drugs." I didn't
argue, I knew I was hooked. I kept trying to feel that awesome feeling
I once felt, but I seldom did. My life became misery on drugs and off drugs.
I made strange decisions to make my drug use possible, like moving out
of my apartment into a broken down house that had no heat. I didn't have
to pay rent there. Matters were getting worse. The only thing I cared about
was my drug. I seemed to believe it was my only escape. I wanted nothing
to do with anyone or anything unless it contributed to me getting high.
It was my only necessity in life; I was consumed. Everything else was secondary
to me at this point.
I wanted to get cleaned and tried. I would go to my sister's house in
the country to try and detox myself. I thought if I could just get the
drug out of my system...I could stop. I could only make it two or three
days. I felt my only chance to end my misery was to die. I knew the way
I was living would contribute to that outcome soon enough. I thought about
my aunts and the way my family was affected when they died. I didn't want
to put anyone lese through that pain. I called my mother and we made a
plan for me to go to the hospital. I figured that if I could get these
drugs out of my system I could surely stay sober. I ended up at Miami Valley
Hospital to detox. I was there for about one week. I spent my 22nd birthday
there. I was glad to be there, but it was a terrible time for me. The day
I left the hospital something happened to me. Emotional pain; full of regret,
shame, and sadness swept over me. I could not even speak because I was
afraid the tears would pour out and people around me would see me crying.
In the midst of my crisis I wanted people to think that I was all right.
I stayed sober for about one week after my hospital stay. I kept saying
every time I used that it would be my last. I made excuses for using drugs
by just using Methadone. After all Methadone was a drug that helped people
get off of painkillers. In a short time, I was right back where I was before.
Using drugs to live and living for the drugs was what my life had become.
I wanted to die again.
Somewhere inside me I must have had just a little more hope. It may have
come from my mother; she had entered into a rehab. program for her drinking.
I made another appointment with Crisis Care. I remembered Crisis Care from
when I was sent there before from the courts. I was going to be honest
with them this time. They had evaluated me, and then sent me to a place
called the CAM Program. I was beginning to have more hope in my life. Just
maybe I could get help. I began to feel that my addiction was not my only
problem. I needed to be honest; I had no other choice. I knew I was sick
and it was definitely showing. Probably more so in other's eyes than my
own.
I went to CAM and first was evaluated with questions that were a little
strange to me. Then I was introduced to my counselor. We talked awhile.
She asked me questions like, "What kind of things do you want to accomplish
in your life?" "What do I want to get out of CAM?" I really
had no idea what to say. They couldn't give me what I wanted. I wanted
a life, to feel somewhat "normal". I didn't want to keep chasing
drugs. I wanted a better job. I felt I wasn't able to do all of those things
on my own, and no one could possibly give me what I wanted. I felt so silly
being there. Again, I wanted everyone to think that I was just fine.
I couldn't hide my misery anymore, and I really had nothing to lose. I
gave CAM a chance. I was a little leery of talking to my counselor, because
I was afraid my honesty would have me put n jail. To talk to someone openly
involved a lot of talk about illegal drug use. I did eventually trust her
and let her in to my world. At times just showing up for appointments helped.
I began to gain more hope. I was actually doing something about my drug
problem. Letting someone "normal" look into my life and help
me figure out what to do differently, surely could not hurt. What I had
been doing alone was killing me.
It began to feel all right to share with them my struggles. My counselor
and I talked about my past, my future, my needs and how it could be possible
to fulfill my life. I learned that taking better care of myself began at
sobriety. She suggested inpatient treatment. I really needed to get a way
for a while and learn about recovery. My caseworker took me to the treatment
center every Friday for pre-admissions groups. I was hopeful that attending
these groups would provide me with a bed date much sooner. My caseworker
was my first influence of sobriety, first hand. We made appointments and
just hung out. My caseworker even visited me in treatment. By the case
worker just being there and treating me like a human being was good. I
had someone on my side. I started to believe that it was possible that
I could make something of myself.
During my stay at the treatment center I learned how important it was
to have a support system. I found a connection there with other people
struggling with life as I did. I formed friendships. After leaving the
treatment center I began to get involved with Alcoholics Anonymous for
support. I continued to go to appointments at CAM. My counselor really
encouraged me t go to college. My caseworker took me to Sinclair Community
College and showed me the ropes; how to enroll, how to apply for scholarships
for school. Most importantly they encouraged and believed I could succeed
in life by just staying sober.
I have been clean and sober for nearly one and a half years. I now have
my own car and apartment. I have good friends. I am getting closer to a
new career. I look much healthier. I am able to overcome many of life's
challenges; at time with a little help of course. Many great things have
happened to me in just one year. I am growing up nicely. I am now taking
care of myself, and it did all begin at sobriety. Thank all of you at CAM
for encouraging and understanding me when I thought no one could. It was
truly a blessing.
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